Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
