Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
