Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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