I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
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his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
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My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.