I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
