Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You coming home soon, man?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"