Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Pants are for mortals
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes