Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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