It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
