being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
