Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
