I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
