I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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