Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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