I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
