I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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