I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
