its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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