I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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