Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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