Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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