Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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