apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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