Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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