and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
