Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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