I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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