I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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