Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
