Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
