Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
