No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
