i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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