i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
