You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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