do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
