i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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