I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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