I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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