We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize