I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
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I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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