Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Green mimosas i think yes
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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