I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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