I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
