I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
