I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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