they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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