i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
