He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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