Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
