dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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