Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
two words...techno handjob
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
