I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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