hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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