6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
