I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
