fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
