I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
