I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
