I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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