remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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