Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
