saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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